This will be my last post in this blog.

It’s time for a new start.

I don’t know if I’ll make a new blog in the future but not now.

Everything is stagnant yet changing at the same time.

There. Last ‘deep’ sentence on here.

Read too much into it if you want to.

Cherish it.

Love,

Sheena

New perspective, please.

It feels all too familiar. The scattered papers, a reflection of what my mind is like now. The way I constantly lose my highlighter and go on a frantic hunt for it. The artificial buzz from the coffee I had in the evening or the lazy sigh I find myself releasing with every turn of a page, depending on the time of day. All the music turned into a soothing bland acoustic mush. It was there, floating above the mess, minding it’s own business.

Except it was different. Instead of the whirring of the oscillating fan it was the consistent humming of the air-conditioning. I wasn’t alone, but we were. This mess was a different mess. Instead of sighs there were giggles and distracted doodles. Instead of coffee there was food. It was the kind of mess that photographers take pictures of and poets write verses of.

What I see now is just a shadow of what used to be. But let it be known that I don’t want it anymore. I want to see a new set of walls. I want to know where the computer is and where the candy stash is hidden. I want to see the collection of CDs, even the embarrassing Spice Girls one. I want to know what it’s like to enter another door. To have another set of keys. To smile for another reason.

I want to live a life from a new perspective.

We are the kids who never made it.

“Here’s to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party. Here’s to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them. Here’s to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars. Here’s to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool. Here’s to the kids who listened to Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV… and blame MTV for ruining their life. Here’s to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts. Here’s to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush.Here’s to the kids who hum “A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me” when they’re stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night. Here’s to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn’t even know they existed. Here’s to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn’t feel so alone after doing so. Here’s to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s). Here’s to the kids who are straight up smartasses & just don’t care. Here’s to the kids who speak their mind. Here’s to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep. Here’s to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do. Here’s to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here’s to the kids. This one’s not for the kids who always get what they want, but for the ones who never had it at all. It’s not for the ones who never got caught, but for the ones who always try and fall. This one’s for the kids who didn’t make it, We were the kids who never made it. The Overcast girls and the Underdog Boys. Not for the kids who had all their joys. This one’s for the kids who never faked it. We’re the kids who didn’t make it. They say breaking hearts is what we do best, and we’ll make your heart be ripped of your chest. The only heart that I broke was mine, when I got my hopes up too too high.
We were the kids who didn’t make it. We are the kids who never made it.”

-Pete

If you read and understood every single line, I love you.

There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.

have your thoughts or lips ever stumbled over words you cant even grab a hold of and try to formulate into a small paragraph to describe how you are feeling? actions come to mind and go like the expiration date on news, but words remain absent on sick leave. maybe you are just actually rendered speechless or too shocked to regurgitate anything you already said before on a new situation. the universe must have meant for this 13th to have landed on a friday but in the salt and pepper shaker way the world has of flipping you upside down and surprising you with the outcome (either the perfect amount of seasoning or making life unstomachable), it ended up a tuesday. weirdbeard. tell me a story about a day that went well recently, i havent had any of my own that werent monsters dressing up as candy for halloween. swallowed every one of them and still kept that empty feeling in my stomach, wondering why i never felt satisfied. the wasted weeks and months find a way to flash by blinded eyes, until all thats left behind is dust that has settled around the shape where every important thing used to be. that is about where i am right now. this day has been pretty overwhelming for me, and eye opening too. with blood thirsty thoughts of redemption that buzz like mosquitos on a july summer night, i am battling the simple war morals and ethics- both of which from a market nobody invests in anymore thats about to crash. still i overcompensate and buy in with wide eyes and a heavy heart, as if trying to make up for the stock you sold. its fun to think that at one point we are all good people that either go bad or go to waste. there is no in between. you either are or you aren’t. “id like attention” misheard as or misunderstood for “id like a tension”. drop the bomb on dropping the thoughts that tie down insecurities that want set off to sea yet remain docked at bay. keep them under your palm like an enemy you wouldn’t even lay next to for warmth during a blizzard. save them for a (b)rainy day, let them out to rip apart stupidity in the form of the words “i still want” followed by anything like hungry pit bulls starved for flesh. i think you can relate to that, but mostly the starved for flesh part. nasty boys. sitting out on the cold balcony it all makes sense. so many things i overlooked, like how you add up your self worth anywhere from how many wrinkles from the last body are still in the sheets, to how much longer it takes to replace them with new ones from someone else. be a politician, lie and sneak your way to the top of something that matters, not a random body. your identity kept secret, the only way to stay out of the spotlight is to hide in the dark. im done under covers, and glad i never got caught between yours. recycling your paper hearts and saving your waters by not showering often, this is coming someone that is tired of going to waste and watching the world close around him get wasted (both with beer and with promises), xo pete.

There’s no other way to say this.

I feel alone.

I knew this for quite some time but it was only today, this evening, that a sudden onset of loneliness hit me. Hard. Like a wave to the shore, only tenfold.

I need a friend right this second. I’ve had quite enough of these fair-weathered ones. I need someone who can be here for me 24/7. Where can I get one?

If you’re reading this and have nothing to say, gtfo. I have nothing more to say to you either.